THE GIFT OF “NO”
While some of us may not think it is so, it is very important
that our children have a sense for 'yes' and 'no' and what this
implies. The 'yes' part is typically easy. Saying 'no' to our
children is often more difficult to say as a parent. Recently,
I came across a wonderful article by Helene McGlauflin, a public
school teacher and counselor from Maine, about presenting 'The
Gift of No' to our children and why it is important.
The word 'no' suggests limits, control, rejection, and finality.
It is hard to see how this most simple and powerful expression
of the negative can be a gift-an expression of concern and favor,
an offer of assistance. But for parents, saying 'no', when done
judiciously and appropriately, is a gift that their children need
and deserve. It enables them to grow into responsible, balanced
adults.
Every child must learn to live with the limitations of life in
the world. There are societal rules that must be observed, unsafe
acts that should be avoided, types of behavior that cannot be
tolerated, chores that eventually must be done. To be mature and
responsible human beings means to accept and cope with the natural
limits life brings.
The gift of 'no' teaches children they cannot have everything
they want when they want it. It says, "You must consider
other people and your environment before you act." It implies
that many decisions are not up to children and that sometimes
children must do things they do not want to do. 'No' helps to
keep children safe. And, most humbly, this gift gives children
a realistic view of life by saying, "You are not in charge
of, or the center of, the world."
Nevertheless, saying 'no' to our children and consistently following
through on limits are among the hardest parenting skills to recognize,
learn, and master. It is an art to use 'no' wisely, to consciously
avoid the danger of being overly restrictive and punitive and
to be willing to discipline when necessary. There is an increasing
confusion among parents today about the importance of discipline
and a consequent reluctance to provide children with the instruction
they need in accepting limits. The gift of 'no' is becoming more
difficult to give, for various reasons.
In North American culture today, choices and the freedom to choose
are highly valued. An abundance of choices is apparent everywhere,
from the supermarket to the arena of national politics, creating
the illusion of limitless bounty and acquisition. Even limit-setting
parents who diligently protect their children from exposure to
the media and commercialism must contend with this ubiquitous
and powerful social dynamic.
Some parents reject, on philosophic grounds, the idea that saying
'no' to children can be instructive or healthy. They may believe
children deserve unlimited choices or that children will learn
how to make the right choices in the world without external guidance.
They may wish to protect their children from the limits of a harsh
world for as long as possible. Or they may adamantly believe saying
'no' is mean, since children typically become upset when behaviors
are not permitted and wishes are not fulfilled.
Other parents intuitively sense that saying 'no' is in the best
interest of children but find it difficult, perhaps impossible,
to do. Those with gentle personalities do not easily find a firm
voice. Some are exhausted by modern life and cannot muster the
stamina that limit-setting demands. Other parents are troubled
by guilt about not spending enough time with their children and
are reluctant to face the struggles inherent in the process of
limit-setting. Some are overcome by the anxiety new parents typically
face about whether it is the "right" thing to do for
a child.
Yet it is the right thing to do. Ultimately it is an act of love
when parents teach their children at a young age fundamental messages
about the limits of the world. The children learn an indispensable
life lesson in the safety and shelter of their home by those who
care most about them. These children develop a strong, settled
place within themselves that respects 'no' and all it means. They
can then, without undue protest, accept limits from teachers,
other authority figures, and from the world....continued next
week.
- Merrill Badger, Principal |
Happening This Week:
Friday, May 14th is our morning Tea Garden
and our last 30/30 club drawing for this quarter.
Drop off your stuff for this weekends rummage sale on
Friday May 14th at MOCS.
Saturday, May 15th from 8:00 am to 1:00 pm is our MOCS
Rummage Sale. Please see Laura “G” if you can help.
|
Dear Mountain Oak,
This letter has been a long time coming… I have meant to
express my gratitude for quite a while, but today it became very
apparent that we had a special school and I knew I needed to speak
up.
I think we take for granted that our children are getting an
excellent education in the classroom. But what I forget is all
the extra attention outside of the classroom our children receive:
for instance, AfterCare and our Special Education Department (a.k.a.
Mary Sue Bourland!)
When my children go into AfterCare, it is usually because I have
a meeting or something to do with the school, and I need a half
hour or so. Because it is usually so short, I fear I’ve
taken the program for granted. On this day, my meeting started
later, so I stayed with my three year old in the AfterCare room.
It was story time, and the curtains were drawn, the lights were
out, and there were cloths and pillows laid sweetly on the floor.
Every child had their own spot, and went neatly to lie down as
Melinda began the story. As Melinda read, Laura went from child
to child and softly rubbed their backs, calming and comforting
them. The atmosphere was one of safety and serenity and the children
were “held” in a space that kept them peaceful.
Today, I was on the playground during main lesson time, and Mary
Sue was working with a child outside. The attention, the positive
re-enforcement, the encouragement this child was receiving on
a one on one basis was so profound, I got tears in my eyes.
Mountain Oak School is no ordinary school and I am so grateful
for all of the people who help it be what it is: a safe haven
for childhood. Please, when you see the parent, teacher or staff
member, who is dedicating their time to our children, say something…
Say thanks!
Thank you, the people of Mountain Oak!!! You are so appreciated!
Very sincerely,
A Happy Parent
|
Week of May 12
